Sunday, February 20, 2011

Shallow Ground

Yesterday, ALL day, I found myself on very shallow ground.  It was ALL about me, everything.  I felt like shit after eating ice cream at 10pm the night before.  Truly hung-over.  All I could do was focus on ME and what I "thought" was the issue ( boy did I pick the wrong issue).  It was not until last night during and after mass that I put the pieces of my puzzle together.  I sit in the meeting feeling sorry for myself not even hearing that it is all exactly what I am doing.  I am perfect at avoidance, perfect.  I divert attention, I create perfect situations to NOT deal with my very own shit.  That is what made me a very, very good alcoholic and that is what will get me drunk again if I let it.  I know I am always on a ledge and that is a very hard place to live.  I am not always as close to the edge as some days and then there are days like yesterday.

Thank you God for keeping me sober, for a beautiful family, and very very special friends who will listen to me and not judge because they understand.

Today it is not about me so much as it is about my 5 year olds birthday!! Ahhhh

Today I wish myself Peace and to you all Namaste.



  1. Mary Beth we are right where we need to be. You are a strong woman, person, and friend. You are doing great, and it is awesome that you found awareness and understanding yesterday. You did great by not turning to those things that you once would have. So you had ice cream, it wasn't near what you would have before, you are growing,and this is a process. We aren't perfect. You did it, and now you move on. You do have a beautiful family! Please tell Buddy Happy Birthday from all of us! I am so thankful to have a friend like you in my life, and thankful that we are doing this together!

  2. Mary Beth,
    Let it be about you when it needs to be - then you can get the shit out and get on with living life with your strong self and your beautiful family! Have a great week!

  3. Geez, with such great advice from everyone else there isn't anything left for me to say. So, I'll just offer a "well done" and "Namaste" to you as well, MB.

    Proud of you and soooo happy to have you on the Team.


  4. MB, I want to echo Becky....while I have never had the hell of being an alcoholic, I have struggled with excess from time to time.

    My thought about the ice cream: I think we all SHOULD binge from time to time....and since it's a REALLY bad idea for you to pick alcohol to binge with, you did the right thing when you picked ice cream!

    My stupid binge is yogurt, low-fat pb and fiber when I binge, I toot a lot the next morning. That's my version of a hangover. I try not to do it on Fridays 'cause it makes Saturday morning yoga really embarrassing....

    Point is, you are great. High Marks for picking the right thing to binge with! You're not on a ledge.....I think it's just a nice big patio atop a beautiful high-rise.....



  5. Thanks all, I am getting better as the week goes on!! and the comment really help ;)
    I think Florida might help a little too...

  6. MB,

    I totally love your honesty and ability to be real. That makes it so much safer for everyone else. I haven't dealt with a personal addiction to alcohol, but have exprienced it second-handed with some I love dearly. For those that choose sobriety, I am in constant awe of the strength they find in God to stay sober. It honestly forces them to have a better relationship with God . . . or "Higher Power" as its called. (To me - God) :)

    I admire your hard work. Ice cream is NOTHING in the big scheme of things. Don't feel bad about that. So glad you take time to think your thoughts and sort through feelings. If we're unaware of who we are and why we do things, it's all too easy to return to unwanted paths. Don't we ALL have stories to vouch for that?!

    Thanks for being an inspiration and one hell of a funny gal! I love it when you're around!

  7. Ahh you guys are really nice, thanks everyone!